Some days I wish I could just turn off the constant whirring in my own head. Just a quick little flip of a switch and all the to-do’s, plans and random musings could be replaced with…quiet, peaceful nothingness.
At the beginning of the year I started working on a process of setting specific goals. With larger dreams and plans in mind, I set monthly, weekly and daily steps to help me work towards those bigger dreams and plans. Oddly, or at least to me, I like organization but have never really been one to plan. Even when I worked as an event planner, my own life was lived pretty wide open. I just went with whatever needed to be done, when it needed to be done, which admittedly, sometimes led to things not being done and an overall feeling of discontent and frustration.
Now, after 6 months of trying to be more focused and intentional about my life and the days and minutes that make it up, I still find that I’m just as frustrated. In May I found myself so disheartened that decided to take a little break. I still set goals, I still practiced my photography a bit but I didn’t make any of it a priority. I reverted back a bit to just living each day with whatever it brought. It also helped that I work full-time at a garden center and with the late spring May was incredibly busy.
My PowerSheets that I use for goal setting has you do a review at the end of each month, so at the end of May I took a little extra time to evaluate my attitude towards the whole process and how I wanted to proceed. While it has been frustrating to be reminded each month, in my own handwriting, how many goals have gone unmet, I focused on the positive and I discovered a few things about myself. I love the process. I love thinking about and planning and writing…the process. When it comes to putting it into practice, I freeze up and avoid. I sabotage. I have become so comfortable with frustration that I actually fear accomplishing my own goals.
May was a blur of work and little sleep and quite honestly, completing only one goal on my list but May also brought some answered prayers and what I’m hoping is a more grateful attitude towards the life that I have been blessed with. I want to accomplish my goals and I want to break some long learned habits that are keeping me stuck in this comfortable frustration but I also know that I can only take one step at a time and that I need to be present and not take what I have done and do have for granted.