Focus

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Another Sunday…another weekend almost over…another two days spent eeking out every ounce of time that I can, doing the things that bring me joy. Another 48 hours trying to ignore the inevitable week of drudgery ahead.

Two years ago we were in the process of relocating our family back to Iowa after living in Missouri for 7 years. During our time in Missouri my husband had been a truck driver, hauling cattle from sale barns to either ranches or, sadly, their final destination. I know that it was a job he enjoyed but eventually the long miles and weeks away from home began to take a toll on all of us. So when he was offered a new job that would allow him to be home every night we decided that it was more than worth any sacrifices we were making by uprooting and moving.

As it turns out, the move has been even more difficult than I had anticipated. The surprise is that while I was concerned it would be hard for the kids, I had not really imagined how difficult it might and would be for me. I sit here tonight sincerely struggling to focus on all the wonderful things being back in Iowa has brought to my life. I know those things mean far more to me than the challenges I’m facing but right here, in this moment, I simply cannot ignore the overwhelming heartbreak that I feel. While the move has given us our lives back, there has also been something in this change that has brought me to what I can only describe as a fork in the road and I honestly have no idea which way to go.

Recently, one of our friends brought up the question of why people cannot have a job doing what they love. As we went around the room and shared what that would be, it all seemed so very simple and a part of me seriously wondered “why?” Why, when it seems so simple, is it so complicated? I left that night feeling completely at a loss and for days I just ran the question through my head. “Why can I not do what I love?”

Just before New Years Eve as I flipped though the pages of my beautiful, new  2016 calendar, completely blank and full of possibilities, the question came back to me and suddenly my mind was flooded with what seemed a hundred different memories that began to play like a slide show. Each one a moment in my life when I was given an opportunity that would have changed my life and each one with an immediate reminder of how I selfishly walked away or quit. I don’t know why everyone cannot do what they love but I know that I don’t do what I love because I’ve been selfish and simply have not tried.

I posted the picture above, not because I think it’s really great, it’s not, but while I was working on getting the shot I became increasingly frustrated because I could not get it to focus in right. It is ridiculously cold here so instead of going outside and working from our front porch I was taking it through our living room window. Just when I was ready to give it up and go find something else my husband offered to remove the screen from the window. It was crazy how much clearer everything was.

So, I am metaphorically taking the screen off my window. I’m going to rely on my faith and not my own understanding and believe that by not focusing on all that is wrong in my life that I will be able to appreciate what really matters and see my dreams more clearly.

 

 

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